I WIN. YOU LOSE. See?
IT DIDN’T PASS..!!
IT DIDN’T PASS!!!!
WE ARE SAVED FROM SPENDING 700,000,000,000 $$$$$ on this bailout thing.
Taxpayers didn’t want it from what I read, and neither do I.
Why give all this free money.
I’d rather have a crash, then have to rebuild it BETTER instead of giving it a band-aid. Better to get rid of the bad, leech-style, and then rebuild than give endless band-aids. Since when do band-aids help? Okay, for me they never do really. SO THERE.
i’m not your answer, i’m your problem. and i’m you’re my solution.
I’m dead.
In the head.
I really think I am.
Nothing makes any sense any more.
Everything is a huge joke,
And I just don’t get it.
Then again, I don’t think I’m meant to get it.
Because if I was, I hope I woulda got it by now.
I like having techno music up loud, with speakers, on either side of my computer, and then feel all woozy in my head, cuz it’s coming from both sides and different angles and it’s al wooo like.
I love the song “Fearless” by VNV (or VNV Nation, I don’t know which it is, but they’re the same). It’s a great song. Also the one with the techno music up load with surround-sound like effects.
It’s all I really listen to today and last night. The other VNV/VNV Nation songs are good, I have like four of them, but this is my favoritest of them all. I like Colors of Rain, too, but there’s no words, and it’s slower.
I need a vacation.
Some friends.
To just open up to.
To just let it all out.
Tell it all to everyone.
Because I need to do that, I think.
It might do some good to say shit that I keep inside.
I can’t tell if this is okay or not. I mean, like, I tell a lot of things, but I keep a lot inside, as well.
It’s amazing that nobody from my other blog has come on here and commented or anything. I don’t think any of them even know about it, even though it’s in the blogroll. I have a lot of blogs in my blogroll on that place.
Anyway, it’s surprising that they haven’t been here. Oh well. Guess that’s better, so that way I can have sketchy shit on here, then my mainstream self over there.
My desk is really cluttered. Maybe that adds to my issues.
I highly doubt that though.
I need me a friend.
I need me someone to actually talk to.
There was a secret on postsecret about how this person was avoiding this other person because they didn’t want the other to get to know them, and then think that they were stupid. Which is like the story of my life right now. I think. I don’t know, it works for me. There are a lot of things on postsecret that work for me, and are like me, just like me. I don’t know. It kind of makes sense.
All I really want is a friend.
I want a friend and I want to be able to tell everything to this friend and to get hugs and things from this friend.
Amanda is a whore, she asked Zach if he wanted a blowjob. He didn’t really answer her. You dont’ just randomly ask a dude if he wants a BJ. Sorry. She still likes him. Of course she does. She likes everyone, it seems. It’s annoying.
I don’t like everyone. I like a few people. But I don’t share with the whole world who I like, just the internet world that cares to read it. Not like I’m telling all my friends that I’m so in love with _______. Come on now, that’s not like me, and you damn well know it. I don’t know, I just want to open up and tell everybody everything.
But I can’t, because it will change everything. Someone will get pissed off,someone will block me, someone will hate me, someone will shun me, I KNOW IT. So I can’t do it. It just doesn’t work. I am sorry. I’m not really sorry. I guess I should share somewhere then. I should share here, for nobody reads here, do they. No, they really don’t. So that should be my thing. Next post, sharing everything I never wanted to share.
If SOMEONE reads it (and by SOMEONE, I mean anyone who’s in it) I don’t care. Not like they will anyway.
I’m Not. I Told You.
“baby, i’m sittin’ here, thinkin’ of you and me, wanting to be in your arms once more and comin’ up empty.
baby, here i am, in this mess, wanting to you clean it up, save me from it.
baby, you’re driftin’ away, leavin’ me.
baby, how could you do this to me, what did i do wrong, tell me.
come on, don’t leave, stay here, let me fix it, don’t leave me.
oh baby, don’t say that,
oh baby, you don’t mean it.
baby here i am, waiting for a moment to speak my mind with you
baby here i am, telling you what i want
and baby there you are, telling me all my faults, showing me just what i did wrong.
come on, don’t leave, stay here, let me fix it, don’t leave me.
oh baby, dont’ say that,
oh baby, you don’t mean it.
oh darlin’, i’m for you and you alone
oh darlin’, can’t you hear me pleading
oh darlin’, i’m yours and you’re mind.
oh baby, don’t say that,
oh baby, you don’t mean it.
you can’t leave me here, alone like this.
you can’t just up and walk away.
don’t leave me baby, don’t leave me.”
I wrote that a few minutes ago.
I don’t know who’s leaving me, but somebody is, I’m sure.
I don’t know, I’m kind of confuseded.
All I know is that I’m a bit apathetic right now.
Ha ha ha…See, that’s funny.
Which is why I’m not laughing.
DOES IT LOOK LIKE I’M LAUGHING?!!?!?!?!?
NO, YOU’RE RIGHT.
I’m not.
The Fact Of Life Is This: Don’t Expect Anything, And All Your Expectations Will Be Met.
I don’t know.
I really don’t.
I am majorly crushin’ on Mitchell.
And I don’t see a solution to this.
Because nothing will ever come of it. Other than me staring at him whenever I can get away with it, wanting to say this or that to him, wanting to try to make something better, and then school ending with nothing happening.
And then it’ll be gone.
Gone forever.
And then I’ll have to get over it.
I’d just like to get over it now, before it gets any worse.
Because it’s just getting worser and worser.
I think.
Besides that, there’s no hope for it.
None that I can see anyway.
And that’s the saddest part, I think.
Sure there’s always been no chance. But thinking about it, well, it’s just sadder than it should be. Because I am hoping that I could make this or that thing better for him. But I’ll never get the chance. Nor will I get the guts to say “hey, I see you over there, I see you doing the same shit I do, and I wanna help, I want to make things better, I don’t want to see you angry and I don’t want to see you hurt.”
But no, I will never say that.
I wish he would look for this.
I wish he would find it.
I wish he would read it and understand it.
But he won’t. I know he won’t.
The thing about the internet: everything is there, for anyone to read. But most of the time, the one person you want to read it won’t ever find it. How ironic is that? Twisted and ironic and cruel.
Fucking cruel.
strange encounters
I found a scary news article.
And I mean scary.
It’s about how the amry is looking into helmets that can read brainwaves and talk to other helmets with those brainwaves’ thoughts. Now, um, someone reading my brainwaves? CREEPY!!! Someone wanting me to have a helmet that will read my brainwaves. Even creepier. Someone wanting to transmit my brainwaves to other people? Even worse.
I’m sorry, but this just isn’t going to fly.
I’m never joining the army.
Never.
Even though I decided that a long time ago, I am again saying it.
Oh, and for that article….: http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1841108,00.html?xid=rss-topstories
Next on the agenda…….
Actually I don’t know what’s next.
All I know is that I need plans.
I need a format to take over things.
Plans and ideas are great, but then I’ll need to implement these things. And that’s the hard part.
But, first, have to come up with the plans.
We were watching Criminal Minds last night and there was this terrorist group that bombed the dudes’ car. We didn’t get to see that part at the beginning though, this was like the second half of an episode. Anyway, they were going to blowup a hospital. And the bomb was gonna be in the ambulance they used to get the people to the hospital. Sorry if you have no idea what I’m talking about, it’s hard to explain when I don’t know more about it than that. All I know is that there was this group of “terrorists” and they were doing things that they figured the police/FBI would think of one way – which isn’t what they were really doing it for. They led the police and the other people to think of it one way, when they really meant it a different way. And they got away with it. Almost. Of course in real life, they probably would have gotten away with it – the people on TV always get to react faster than the ones in real life. Sadly, but I’m pretty sure it’s true.
We finished watching “Rope” which is an ALfred Hitchcock movie in Film class today. There were these two guys who killed a guy, hid him in a trunk in the living room, and had a party right afterwards, trying to hide the murder. Which they committed just for the fun of it, just to get the experience, to see if they could get away with it. And it was really funny, because they almost did. But no, the one guy kept acting guilty. And then, of course, that makes it so he appears to be guilty. And then, of course, the one guy gets caught. And that’s just wonderful. Because they almost got away with it. But if they had, oh the perfect muder.
They should have gotten away with it.
They really should have.
It would be glorious.
But they got caught.
And then, well, that’s just sad.
Ya, I dont’ think I’m quite into that.
I am for some people, but not all.
And by “that”, I mean murder of them because they don’t appear to be any good or of any worth. I’m not going to go that far, but I will say that there are people who should be made to work and do things instead of sitting around and doing nothing.
I think I fit in the doing nothing category. I really think that I do. I don’t meant to, and it’s not my fault, but I think I fit there. Because I do nothing all day. Nothing of real importance anyway. I mean, sure stuff gets done. For other people. I don’t do much that is worthwhile in my mind. Other than my blogging and such. That is about it. The rest of my time is divided by others.
I have been taking time out of my classes (when I can get away with it) to write. In a notebook. I need to do that more. I need to record things more. Not like literally record, but like write record. I need to do that so that way I can prove what is going on. And that is very important, you see. So I have been doing that a bit. It’s nice. A bit awkward when I wanna write about all this gory stuff, but I guess I’ll have to either write it out or keep it in my head for later. And since if I don’t get it out it only escalates, I’d better get it out then, on paper, and then hide as well as I can.
I shall share sometime, I think.
Maybe.
I haven’t decided yet.
But I think it would be good, to share my writings from just random with you. You might get a little insight as to what I have in mind.
Well, what is on my mind, anyway.
And, of course, I probably shouldn’t be thinking those types of things, simply because, well, they are not right to be thinking about. Not perverted. Not really anyway. More like sick and sadistic.
Oh well.
i don’t fucking know, okay?
die fucker die.
i don’t know.
i wrote that in one of my notebooks at school in government class a few days ago. other than it said die teacher die, but it very well meant the same damn thing.
i hate you.
i want you to die.
Pendel made a new post.
i read it. i commented on it. i love pendel. but not that way. i want to make everything bad for him just go away. sounds obsessive. but its not. its just wishful thinking. someone as awesome as pendel would never want someone like me. simple as that.
i feel like crap.
depressed i guess.
i can blame amanda and zach on that one. wanna know why? because they were messing around on the bus, being mean to each other, beating the shit out of one another. and its rather sad, for i can’t be in on it, it’s just not right.
amanda still likes him, i know it.
i don’t think i like him. i think i do, though. like, i do, but that’s cuz he’s there and he’s okay, not cuz hes totally awesome or anything.
i’m confused as fuck.
and totally in love with scott, i think.
with him, i have my days. like bursts. i’ll totally love him some days, and other days its like ya scotts awesome but i’m not totally totally in love with him.
that is how i am. i can’t stay on the topic of just one person that long. i can’t do it. haven’t been able to since, well, him. that him, you know…..
either way, it sucks.
i can’t pick a single damn thing at all.
it’s annoying as all fuck.
i just want to crawl in a hole and die somedays.
other days i wanna know how this thing turns out.
today i’m inbetween the two.
i want to be able to tell everyone what i think of them.
but i can’t do that.
for i don’t have the guts.
i want to tell all these people, i want to show them, and i know that i should. but i can’t. my brain won’t let me. i had the impulse to just kiss zach today. but i didn’t, obviously.
i don’t know, i’m so confused right now.
i think imma flip now.
i really think i am.
i almost did fourth period.
started a little bit in sixth.
and this right now.
i hate you all.
just go and die.
i really want you to die.
just leave me alone and let me live in peace, without you all running around and shit.
i can start again, and can maybe have a few good friends and shit. but no, you won’t die, won’t leave me alone, won’t let the memories stop.
damn memories! i hate them!
they won’t stop.
and neither will you.
keep reminding me of my faults.
won’t let me go.
i don’t know what’s going on. i really don’t. i wish i did.
i need people, damn it.
even thoughg i’m talking to miek right now
and kenneth.
but it’s not working for me, because kenneth is always mean sometimes. and mike never talks much.
so you see, it just doesn’t work.
i’m having issues damn it.
and i need a solution and i don’t know one.
mom has to call that counseling place tonight.
i’m done. i’m out.
too stressed. i think. can’t think.
i told you already. i really did.
i hate it when i get spam comments, because it’s like false advertising – you have new comments, but they’re all spam.
but right now, i’d rather have spam than nothing. just so boring on the internet at school. for there is nothing to do. it all has to be school appropriate. so no myspace, no plurk, no twitter (even though i have abandoned twitter), no myyearbook, no facebook, no nothing.
its all very sad and depressing – i know there are things that i could be doing right now, but i can’t be doing them.
torture, i tell you.
I <3 You. XOXOXO
I am so bored right now, you have no idea.
It’s 1:05 in ther afternoon, and you know what? Feels like I should be HOME for all that’s gone on today.
I almost FLIPPED on Mason, cuz he’s an asshole.
And so fourth period sucked, cuz I was all angrified at him. More scribbling.
I do that way too much, but it works for me I guess.
I wanted to destroy things, but I couldn’t.
Can’t let him win.
For that would be faulure. That would be the end of me.
That would be a win for him, and that would be the loss of all that I’ve worked for.
Yes, I am pretty much plotting to get him down and out.
PLOTTING, I SAY!!
Oh ya, HAPPY BIRTHDAY MIKE!!!!
Me <3s you.
Don’t forget that, okay?
And I’m about ready to just be at home and RELAX.
This day is too long.
All the days are too long……
It is literally torture, the way they make us be here all the time, suffering like this. Literally, TORTURE.
I keep having this feeling in my neck, like I gotta cock my head to the side. Mainly happens when I’m flippin’/trippin’ (not literally tripping, for I don’t do drugs, mine is all natural). But, it’s kinda weird. Bothers me, but it’s impulse.
Impulses suck. They really do. No idea why. Well, I have no idea why they make you do stupid shit. I wish I knew, so I could prevent it. That would be nice. But of course, I can’t prevent anything, because that just doesn’t work. So, I have to deal with stupid impulses that make me feel like an idiot, or a child. And I just have to do these things that I can’t help but to do.
Like being on the computer. Most of the time, when I am on the computer, I grab/grope myself. Don’t ask why, for I don’t know. But I’ll just randomly grab myself, and just, you know, do whatever works depending on where I was handling myself at. And then I catch myself, and am like What The Fuck was that for!?!?!?
I keep thinking that I’m going to end up doing it at school sometime, and someone’s going to see me do it. Ya, I don’t really want to. I think I do it most of the time when I’m waiting for a page to load, or for someone to reply in chat, though. So since the internet at school is fast, and not supposed to be in chat, I don’t think it’ll be that big of a problem (that and I haven’t done it yet in my three years of high school).
Either way, impulses baby.
for starters.
I figure I should pop in and say hi, you see, for I haven’t done that yet. Probably would be a good thing to do.
I really don’t even know why I invited myself to write on here.
I don’t know what I would have to add. All I do know is that I might have something sometime, and I’d rather do it with the right person saying what needs to be said.
I guess this is me, setting out my different selves, for you all to see.
If only I could do this more often.
DUDE…!!!
I just had the awesomest idea EVAR.
Make a site (at home) that is like that.
Just have it be all my different mes. Let this one and that one and the other one and whatever parts of me so choose to be apart of it just OUT. Let them roam free.
Isn’t that the idea that me (BATMAN) had yesterday?
Damn I’m good.
